Cognititive Dissonance

Rick, a full-time leadership trainer, invited my husband to speak to a group of 25 youth leaders staying at his parents' enchanting waterfront home for a weekend retreat. Once everyone settled on the floor, cross-legged, and sang a few robust worship songs, Rick introduced "James" as a business executive with extensive experience working with teenagers and training youth workers.

     My heart swelled with pride as he began with a few jokes to lighten everyone up. As usual, I watched James's good humor and convincing presence captivate his listeners' attention as he introduced his message to his favorite topic: Integrity.

     James explained, “Integrity originates from the Latin word ‘integer,’ which means ‘whole, intact, complete.’ In math, it means a whole number rather than a fraction. When applied to people, integrity is used to describe a person of sound moral character. One who is thoroughly honest in all their dealings.”

“When we walk in integrity, we behave the same way on the outside as we are on the inside: whole, above reproach, and consistent through and through. It means the person others see is who the person is.”

     James stressed how important it is for followers of Christ to become more whole, with their outward lives in harmony with their inward selves. “We are most at peace and glorify the Lord best when our external conduct matches our inner convictions.”

James then shared the story of when his father looked him in the eye and said, “Never sell your integrity, son.” This motto made a considerable impression on James as he was growing up. He later adopted it as his own.

     As he scanned their faces, his eyes narrowed. “I say the same thing to you: never sell your integrity. Nothing is worth trading your integrity for. Strive to be whole, honest, and consistent, inside and out. Make sure your outward behavior matches your inner life with Christ.”

     I don't remember the other illustrations or the scripture he referred to. But this was the essence of his message.

James always had a way of convincing people of his sincerity and the rightness of his words. He had a gift of persuasion, which he used for good in ministry and business.

     Over the years, I had listened to him deliver numerous talks on integrity. However, this particular one resonated differently. It felt special. Perhaps it was the audience he was addressing—young adults in their early twenties, at the cusp of their lives, impressionable and eager to learn. Or maybe it was the setting—the immaculate beauty of this home, nestled amidst picturesque surroundings, that added a certain charm to his words. But most importantly, it could have been divine intervention. It seemed as though the Lord had inspired James to focus on this topic again so that the Holy Spirit could draw upon it in the near future when he most needed it.

     Later, I also wondered if this talk left such an impression on me because I would need to hold on to my own integrity (although imperfectly) when my world was spinning out of control. Or maybe God knew I needed this memory to remind me of the person James used to be, lest I come to hate him as much as I loved him.

     I never would have guessed that in two short years, I’d be house-sitting in this same home, alone, waiting for my beloved to awaken from an affair-inspired stupor while considering my options.

 

***

     Maybe you, too, are wondering, “How on earth did my spouse change from a loving, principled, God-respecting person into someone who would be so cruel as to step outside of our marriage with another person or a disgusting habit?”

     You may ask, “Where did my spouse's ethics go? Prior morals? Promises? Values? Beliefs?” “Was it all a lie, or did my spouse suddenly change because of his/her affair?”

     And if you were as shell-shocked as I was, you may still be aghast at the character change your once-trusted partner exhibited when they were in La La Land with the paramour who helped destroy your marriage.

     Why do people who know better ditch their values to “follow their hearts” in the heat of an affair? As discussed in Chapter 15, the Emotional Distortion that occurs during acts of unfaithfulness is powerfully deceiving. People lose all perspective when engulfed in the fog of infidelity with no visual cues to reorient them. Like airplane pilots flying in a haze, their internal signals get messed up and confused.

The Battle of Cognitive Dissonance

     Initially, most people feel conflicted when contemplating an illicit attraction. Their prior beliefs suggest they flee, avoid, or escape. Yet their hormones and emotional cravings may drown the voice of reason and drag them over the edge of no return. When people face a dilemma between what they know is right and a sensual, pleasurable option, their minds are conflicted. Their consciences tell them, “Don’t go there,” but their emotions tell them, “Don’t pass this up!”

     In 1957, a social scientist named Leon Festinger published a book to explain a new theory of the human mind's workings called “Cognitive Dissonance.”[1] It is considered one of the most significant contributions to social psychology of the 20th century. He conducted several experiments to show that people will go to great lengths to avoid the discomfort of holding two contradictory beliefs simultaneously. He went on to demonstrate that people in mental conflict often choose the belief they want to believe to avoid remaining in suspended animation between two opposing options. Despite contrary evidence, they will seek reasons to justify a biased position. He used the example of smoking.

     People who like to smoke or find quitting difficult may be torn for a while when they learn how harmful it is to their health. But, to rationalize their choice to continue smoking, they will minimize the health risks and tell themselves such things as, “If I quit, I will gain weight, and that would be unhealthy, too.”

Most folks find it difficult to endure two disparate beliefs that pull them in opposite directions at the same time. It is like listening to jarring, discordant music that grates on their nerves. When an internal battle ensues between a person’s sensual appetites and their sensible values, psychological tension arises like a pressure cooker. Something has to give. They won't find relief until the clashing stops, the steam escapes, and harmony is found.

     Although people may espouse certain ethical standards, when their hormones race and their resistance is worn down, many naturally succumb to their emotions rather than follow their better judgment. Once they give in, flinching dissonance assaults their minds like nails on a chalkboard. They ponder how to diminish this aggravating sound. This internal conflict must be resolved. They either need to change their behaviors or change the pesky beliefs that are interfering with their enjoyment.

     The tension of moral indecision is so uncomfortable that most people can't hover long between their former values and their lusty longings. They find the balancing act too strenuous to maintain. They must choose one side of the fence or the other. The only problem is that most folks lean toward what feels good rather than what is good. And once they give in, their Cognitive Dissonance clangs louder.

     Then, they face another predicament: how to justify what they know is wrong so they can live with themselves and quiet their internal conflict. The solution? Rationalization.

Rationalization

     As Dr. Festinger pointed out, rationalization is the process of someone making internal excuses for doing something one intellectually knows is unethical. When people lose the war against choosing what is right, they look for ways to justify what they used to believe was wrong.

     When it comes to infidelity, they need to come up with reasons they are entitled to have an affair. To do this, they must change their beliefs to align with their sinful actions. That way, what they once considered immoral somehow becomes understandable and okay. When these rationalizations take hold, their minds relax, and they think, “Now all's right with the world.” (At least in their made-up world.)

     As I have worked with clients over the years, I've noticed many rationalizations that straying spouses use to justify their affairs. I made a list of these and conducted surveys from betrayed spouses in my workshops and on my website regarding the kinds of justifications they heard from their unfaithful spouses.

     From the 81 people who filled out the surveys, I tallied the most common to the least common rationalizations their unfaithful spouses used to "explain" their affairs and/or marital rejection. I then divided the rationalizations into categories:

• Blame (193) which suggests, "My affair/porn addiction is your fault!"
• Entitlement (92) refers to attitudes that make them believe they are exceptions to the rule.
• Minimizing (76) where betrayers make light of their wrong actions.
• Rewriting the Marital History (69), which includes notions like "I am not sure I ever loved you" and "I married you too quickly" (covered in depth in Chapter 17).
• Religious Excuses (44), like "God will forgive me" and "People in the Old Testament had concubines” (as will be covered in Chapter 19).
• Hero Syndrome (10), a rationalization driven by the ego's need to rescue an outside lover.

 

     I hope reading the excuses that other betrayed spouses have endured helps you feel less alone. Human nature and Satan's tactics haven't changed much since the Fall. Remember, these rationalizations, which range from simple to elaborate, are the kind of lies that straying partners adopt to reduce their Cognitive Dissonance and rationalize their affairs.

An Embattled Mind

     I like how authors Tavris and Aronson address the path to and beyond Cognitive Dissonance. “How do you get an honest man to lose his ethical compass? You get him to take one step at a time, and self-justification will do the rest.”[2]

     The Bible says, “A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways” (James 1:8, KJV). And no one is more double-minded than a person in the throes of Cognitive Dissonance over an affair.

     If you've lived with a double-minded partner, you know the torment of walking on eggshells, wondering if your mixed-up spouse will choose you or their new delirious lover or habit. One day, your spouse gives you a warm, reassuring hug, and your nerves calm down; another day, your spouse stiffens, won't look you in the eye, and avoids you like the plague, scaring you out of your wits.

     Sadly, embattled strayers often choose their temporary emotions over their good sense and invent reasons why their corrosive behaviors are okay so they can feel good about themselves. If people convince themselves that what's wrong is defensible, their flawed thinking will grow.

     Tavris and Aronson note, “Dissonance reduction operates like a thermostat, keeping our self-esteem high. That is why we are usually oblivious to the self-justifications, the little lies to ourselves that prevent us from even acknowledging that we made mistakes or foolish decisions.”[3]

     Innocent spouses may sense something has changed within their beloved but can’t yet put their fingers on it. Even if they have hints about their partners’ inappropriate relationships, faithful spouses would be astounded to learn of the straying one’s new, made-up reality. A self-justifying spouse's secret, internal dialogue doesn't usually come to full light until the wayward person is on the brink of leaving. By then, no amount of cajoling can penetrate the upside-down worldview of the unfaithful.

The prophet Isaiah warns,

    "Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil;

    Who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness;

    Who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!

    Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes

    And clever in their own sight!" (Isaiah 5:20-21)

 

     Can you think of a better description of a rationalizing strayer? I would add, “And woe to those who love such a person, for they will suffer unspeakable sorrow and heartache.”

     Scripture clearly demonstrates that sin deceives people and hardens their hearts from accepting the truth. “But exhort one another daily, as long as it is called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness” (Hebrews 3:13).  You need to recognize that your wayward spouse’s sexual sin had a sclerotic effect on their heart—toward God as well as you. They were living in a deceived state.

     You may have heard unfamiliar accusations from your partner’s mouth that jolted you. Thoughts you never dreamed your spouse would imagine, let alone believe. The lies, half-truths, excuses, cross-blaming, defensiveness, and gaslighting undermine a betrayed spouse's sense of reality.

Connecting the Dots

     Betrandoned people must understand the role of emotional distortion in their spouses' illegitimate choices. Once people’s feelings fool them into unfaithful behaviors, they enter the disquieting internal conflict of Cognitive Dissonance. And once the flinching dissonance sets in, your spouse desperately needs to find relief. Rather than do the about-face that God intended our consciences to prompt, your spouse latched onto Rationalizations that rubber-stamped their unethical actions and gave them the false sense of security they were on the right track (or at least an understandable one).

     Most folks in the thrall of an affair find it easier to change their beliefs and convictions than to change their wayward direction. They justify each compromise, one incremental step at a time. Once these new beliefs are established, unfaithful people grasp them like life preservers so they can float above the stormy seas of their confusing emotions and the objections of others. They disconnect from their nagging consciences and protesting spouses and cling to the new narrative they've made up as if their lives depended on it. As the authors of Mistakes Were Made but Not by Me write,

     At the simplest level, memory smoothes out the wrinkles of dissonance by enabling the confirmation bias to hum along, selectively cause us to forget discrepant, disconfirming information about beliefs we hold dear.[4]

     These new views surface during arguments with your spouse when you object to their distancing behaviors. Your partner's rationalizations for solving their moral quandary make your head swim in disbelief.

     As discussed in Chapter 5, “Betrayal as Abuse,” rationalizing partners use gaslighting to throw you off track. They lie, deny, and want to control if, when, or whether you discover some portion of the truth. These combined tactics drive an unsuspecting or uninformed spouse to the brink of crazy.

     Once they express their off-base reasons out loud, your partner may work hard to convince you that their new “truths” are valid (saying things like “If you weren’t so_____, I never would have____”), fully expecting you to accept their excuses. If your betraying spouse can’t convince you to agree that you are the problem, they will find a friend, lover, or an easily manipulated therapist who only knows part of the story to accept their woeful tale. If they successfully persuade a friend or two to affirm their crazed thinking, it will further solidify their misguided beliefs.

     I want you to gain insight into your spouse's journey from ethical to irrational to destructive. Once you grasp all that was happening beneath the surface, you’ll be able to stop blaming yourself for your spouse's extramarital involvement(s) and the change of heart that tore them away. This understanding may well restore your sanity.

The Progression from Infidelity to Abandonment

     No wonder you felt like your heart and mind were going to explode. Your spouse progressed through increasingly dark stages that led to your unwanted divorce.

Sadly, if you were like me, your resulting clutching or panic may have made the affair partner seem even more appealing to your wayward spouse, reinforcing the notion that you were to blame for the affair (or addiction to porn and other salacious behaviors). When you felt them slipping away, you may have resorted to desperate acts to salvage the relationship (enlisting the unwelcome help of others, sinking into depression, begging for another chance, asking for more frequent sex, acting super nice or wildly angry).

     All these appeals only increased your partner’s disrespect for you (after all, they knew deep down that they would not put up with what they were doing to you). Like a drowning person, you may have grasped onto your spouse, which only bolstered their belief you were “controlling” and not good for their emotional health (when truth be told, they were the controlling one, managing you by their secrecy in ways that were not good for your emotional health).

Once a wayward spouse begins viewing you with disdain:

• Inconveniences become roadblocks
• Small obstacles become mountains
• Irritants become deal-breakers

 

     Whether your partner took off with the other person/habit or not, you painfully learned that their heart toward you was permanently changed. And, if you were still in love with them, this metamorphosis frightened you and shredded your heart. You wondered, "How could this happen to us?"

     Here is a story by “Mary,” that illustrates a strayer’s progression from Loving Christian Spouse to Heartless Homewrecker.

     My husband experienced physical and mental abuse, parental unfaithfulness, early exposure to porn, and personal discontent—all of which he later blamed on me. He totally rejected God when he started the affair and actually kind of blamed God for his discontent—God did not answer his prayers the way he wanted for his building business. After I found out about the affair and confronted him, he completely changed his behavior towards me. He showed a lot of contempt and kept telling me he had been unhappy for a “very long time” (of course, he neglected to tell me this). He was angry that I even found out about the affair and asked me not to contact the affair partner’s husband as he did not want her to be afraid (she should be afraid!). Along with the contempt he showed me, he was very rude, interrupting me during conversations and sometimes walking away from me and closing the door. I think those were the hardest things to deal with besides the affair. Before the affair, he was kind, generous, protective, loving, a Bible study leader, and very involved in our church. Once he began his affair, he became someone I did not know anymore.[5]

     As you can see by Mary’s example, extramarital affairs do not happen in a vacuum. It helps to know that earlier factors and conflicts within the offending spouse contribute to the deterioration of a marriage. And besides pre-existing conditions, affairs in and of themselves can change a person for the worse.

Your spouse chose elation over you and adapted their beliefs via rationalizations to make this decision to “follow their heart” seem okay. Even if their new relationship didn’t work out, or the habit changed form, nevertheless, your partner developed a number of justifications for their new lease on life. They adopted a new mindset that at least temporarily excused their faithlessness and energized their continued descent into deception.

    If your spouse appeared to find a degree of relief in pursuing an outside lover or leaving you, it did not mean it was their best course of action. It only meant that the unfaithful person “solved” their once-tormenting Cognitive Dissonance. They were no longer in limbo. Their temporary good feelings were enhanced by anticipating the freedom to either pursue the other person or escape the dreaded task of repairing the damage they’d caused.

     You should not confuse your partner’s apparent transient peace after making an otherwise immoral decision with the penetrating peace of the Holy Spirit. Fantasy will not match reality. It’s a counterfeit serenity from the natural relief of jumping off the fence of indecision—often onto the most expedient but destructive side of the equation.

     Your Post-Affair Divorce was the culmination of a series of events, most of which were beyond your control. Not that you were perfect. But your partner’s underlying Iceberg Issues made them subject to Satan’s wiles at a vulnerable time in their life. Once they crossed lines into affair territory, Emotional Distortion disoriented them from seeing reality with clarity. They were fooled into putting more stock in their temporary emotions than in their conscience. The resulting internal conflict, known as Cognitive Dissonance, became extremely uncomfortable to the point that they chose to Rationalize their wrongs, forsake their prior values, and adopt libertine beliefs to support this fresh elation.

     In the following two chapters, I will cover your spouse’s distancing spiral in further depth before we learn how to heal from our partner’s progressive breaches of fidelity. So, hang in there. Information is power, and light begets light. Once you better understand the next two factors in the demise of your marriage, it will all make more sense. And this should bring you a great deal of relief. But I am getting ahead of myself. First, let's delve into how your spouse devised a strange narrative about your marital story in ways that made your head spin.

 

***

 

Paperback Chapter 16 End Notes  (.14 hanging indent)

 

1. Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. Stanford, CA: Stanford University Press.
2. Tavris, C. & Aronson, E., Mistakes Were Made (but not by me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts. Orlando: Harcourt, Inc. 37.
3. Tavris & Aronson, Mistakes Were Made (but not by me). 30–31.
4. Tavris & Aronson, Mistakes Were Made (but not by me). 70.
5. True story by one of the women in my ZOOM support group. Used by permission.

 

Ebook End Notes Chapter 16

 

[1] Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. Stanford, CA: Stanford University Press.

[2] Tavris, C. & Aronson, E., Mistakes Were Made (but not by me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts. Orlando: Harcourt, Inc. 37.

[3] Tavris & Aronson, Mistakes Were Made (but not by me). 30–31.

[4] Tavris & Aronson, Mistakes Were Made (but not by me). 70.

[5] True story by one of the women in my ZOOM support group. Used by permission.